Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?

On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued…

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.

to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!

-You mean pinched

[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]

It’s pinched?

Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.

My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked

Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.

During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever

In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.

[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes

I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.

[whale watching]

whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again

On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.

I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.

They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

4yo: can you get this open for me?

Me: oomph this is kinda tough

4yo: use your claws

[filling out the date on important documents]

Brain: when I say June you write June!

Me: yeah!

Brain: JUNE!

Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!