The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
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A customer told me they were never coming back….
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
I wish I could veto my bills.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate