the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Thinking of taking Easter decorations down
Barbie gone wild
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs