The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
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I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
This is a whole mood;
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.