The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
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Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Your secret is safeish with me
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
This bar smells like my childhood.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.