The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
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If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase