The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
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Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Scientists have proven that combination locks are a lot harder to open when you have to pee.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.