Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?

27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!

I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door

tour guide: here are the sharks

me: bitey boi

guide: …and over here, a swordfish

me: pointy boi

guide: get out of the aquarium

Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.

Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.

Daughter:

Me: [turns off light] goodnight.

The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.

Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha

Noah: [door lock noise]

Wife: I’m leaving

Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together

Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart

Me: ooh get chocolate

I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]

The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.

[The shark attack sketch]

Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.

[fin]

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.

*me flirting

Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”

Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.

Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.

A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.

Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.

Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best

If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.