The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
You Might Also Like
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday