The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
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My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Instead of the USPS they should have the PSPS where trucks would just drive around and put cats in your mailbox.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.