The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
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TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.