The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
You Might Also Like
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time