The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
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I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
aesthetic
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.