The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
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Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
the prophecies have been fulfilled
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?