The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
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I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Tell me you get it…🤣
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.