The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
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the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.