The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
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Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
(more comics:
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice