The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
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Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
weaknesses
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
somebody come look at this
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”