The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
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Muppet Screams
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️