Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high

me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”

A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.

“This was a better idea on papyrus”

My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza

[in doomsday bunker]

wife: we’re out of food

me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive

chicken: yes but who?

After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.

Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.

Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?

Me: I LOVE STAR WARS

BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers

Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.

Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.

Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?

Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier

When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge

my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are

and then suggest you lose weight

The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.

Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse

“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!

(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)