Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America

REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…

Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

i did the math

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.

“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds

For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”

* me, in public on more than one occasion.

To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.

*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*

Me: This relationship feels very transactional.

Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates

The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.

me: what is it boy?

my stomach: brrrggfkppr

me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?

my stomach: hrrrbbb

me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?

Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement!

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”

I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”

If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.

My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.