The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
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“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.