The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
You Might Also Like
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Beauty and the Beast
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
buys donuts instead
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.