The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
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PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.