Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.

Who the hell invented Bull Riding?

“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”

Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.

mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes

me: with what

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?

Apparently, all that was left was da brie.

***ba dum tissssss***

Me: I need a four-letter word for identical

Her: same

Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus

‎”Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour

This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.

Yup!

*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”

We went together like toothpaste and orange juice

Parts of a worm:
1) Worm

Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.

My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.

I didn’t come here to be called names

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.

My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.

Sorry, Ghostbusters.

At best, I might email or text you.

“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.

“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”

– gas station nachos

I bet i could still be a stuntman

[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]

Okay maybe not

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”