Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends

[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”

Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*

Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night

Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it

As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.

I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.

My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself

Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table

Murderer: ok thanks

My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:

The days of good grammer has went

I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.

The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?

Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done

It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.

Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think

I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.

There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?

There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.

Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.

Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.

(genuine human laughter)

wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you

Dr Frankenstein: he has a name

wife: DOES HE

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently

a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread

People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.