Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird

Him: I like powerful women.

Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*

Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

her: i’m leaving you

me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands

her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing

me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance

No wine. No peace.

Know wine. Know peace.

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.

John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.

PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION

Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*

Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.

Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”

Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!

“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja

The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him

TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better

Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.

Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.

ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?

HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that