The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
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15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.