You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
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hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs