The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
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Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*