The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
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if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Wait a second…
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.