The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
You Might Also Like
Milk Cube
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.
we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
[Me watching football on TV]
Oh man this reminds me of high school
Her: you played football in high school?
Me: no, I watched TV
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me