STOP! Im a black belt in Shaq Fu!
Jesus, were these heads slam-dunked? Where r the bodies?
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
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*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Wake up your lover by hysterically screaming “Are you sleeping?!?!”
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”
-Steve Harvey M.D.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.