The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
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*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Accountants have the toughest job in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
My doctor told me to start killing people.
Well not in those exact words. He said I need to reduce the stress in my life.
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Boy: I wish more girls liked farming
Girl: I like farming
Boy: Lol oh yeah? Name the 5 most water-efficient irrigation systems of the 1980s
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.