@OctopusCavemann

The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.

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@Amusitr0n

*bullies advance*
STOP! Im a black belt in Shaq Fu!
<laughter>

*detectives arrive*
Jesus, were these heads slam-dunked? Where r the bodies?

@iwearaonesie

*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*

@pilau

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

@chuuew

ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo

THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down

@theyearofelan

Wake up your lover by hysterically screaming “Are you sleeping?!?!”

@SteveSuckington

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.

@CulturedRuffian

Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?

Me: Not really, I’m stuffed

Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check

Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.

@FattMernandez

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

@jennifermerr

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.