The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
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Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.