The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
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me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Breaking news:
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
#gardening
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
Sharon I have some bad news
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves