The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
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This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁