The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
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[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
The devil.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’