The little toadstool has spoken.
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At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
me when somebody idk start touching me
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
I have never related to anyone more.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!