The little toadstool has spoken.
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Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Cow it started Cow it’s going
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”