Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: sorry

HER: and in my eye

ME: my bad

HER: are you sure you’ve painted before

My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.

Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.

next question.

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.

How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.

ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant

I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.

I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*

me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.

I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago

Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha

God *creates salt*

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?

Me: yes, please! *opens purse*

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

Him: *Head in hands*

Her: What’s happened?

Him: Well- I…I… I found this head