the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
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The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Why? Just why? 😂
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja