the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
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In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Pikachu found the lost joint
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
*mops up wine with cat*
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns