Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first

I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?

Wife: omg it’s happening

Me: what is?

*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*

Wife: the baby is coming

Me: what?!

Wife: the baby is coming right now

Me: you’re not pregnant!

*door creaks open*

Wife: run

*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol

DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to

ME: He’s murdered 7 people

If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.

Spotted in the wild

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

he’ll never suspect a thing

*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon

7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.

How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”

My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.

judas: hey man want to come out to last supper

jesus: what?

judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free

Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.

Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤

how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google

Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working

Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.

[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect