The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
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How to keep the seat next to you empty.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
You have been warned.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.