Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.

gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t

nurse: how do you rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.

I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle

I’ve got 99 problems…

<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>

BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.

Arranged my own kidnapping.

Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.

I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.

Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?

It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.

me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁

my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves

When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.

God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark

Noah: what’s wrong?

God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes

Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy

“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”

Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!

Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!

Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year

My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy

Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.

Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?

My dad.

Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome

Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?

had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes

Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.

I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.