The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
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Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
🐟✨ #re4
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.