The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
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My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
did it work