Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you love someone, let them go.

If they don’t come back, get a dog.

glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another

Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”

Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!

“What’ll it be?”

[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan

If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?

Me: It’s time to take a bath.

6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!

Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.

6: For my whole life?

Me: Yes

6: What!? Uggggghhhhh

Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow

DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.

Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!

starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks

Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down

Me *reads the news out loud*

Spider *depressed* holy shit

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”

[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.

Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.

why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.