Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

Him: do you have a pen?

Me: yes. (walks away)

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

Me: I think that’s Dave

Wife: It’s not Dave

Me: Gonna wave to him

Wife: Don’t!

Me: Hey Dave!

Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000

Me: It’s not Dave

I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle

The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.

It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.

Really bruh?

Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]

“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”

Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

God: I shall call this a tiger

Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever

uncle dave has been through hell

Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁

Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.

All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss

Sex so good you see dead people.

agent: *getting tortured* do your worst

villain: why would i do that

agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough

villain: i’m always doing my best

agent: i know. you’re doing great

villain: thanks

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”

I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.

Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.