Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God has abandoned us.

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.

follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits

I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..

#CancelDJDarrellRipley

Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.

I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know

4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear

Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing

Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.

him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.

[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak

5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?

Me: No

Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?

Me: Because he’s met me

I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.

Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.

[three days after inventing phone]

*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*

Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs

That’s no pocket rocket.

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”

Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?

Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.

Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.

*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*

Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.

If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.