The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
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Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Noted.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Choosing the correct font is crucial…
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.