The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
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ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.