Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket

My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness

Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?

Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with

Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!

ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now

Netflix and awkward silence?

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

Me: can you spell wonton backwards?

Friend: not now !

My horoscope today just said “NOPE”

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.

I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.

There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?

Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?

Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am

They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.

I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”

Is this:

A. A blue shark

B. A leopard shark

C. A pelagic thresher

D. None of the above

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.

Body: here’s another chin

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.

Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.

[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow