Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.

{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.

God: you’re my son

Jesus: do I have super powers 😀

God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread

Jesus: :/

God: …fish

Jesus: so who’s my enemy

God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm

Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁

God: oh he’s super duper cool

Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it

her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos

so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*

Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day

Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it

Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal

Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most

batman [clenching fist]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.

Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.

12: My favorite band is Green Day

Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?

Me: Clifford’s cousin

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.

When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.

What’s dopamine is dopayours.

I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you

[Christmas]

Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!

Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy

I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.