The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
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If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
A mustache is just mouth bangs.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.