[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
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HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.