[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
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[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
checking out some reviews of my local library
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
The Joker was right
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
My neck, my back, my…
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
A man of commitment.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.