The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
You Might Also Like
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy