The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
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My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.