The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
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My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.