Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*orders sushi for delivery*

*throws towel over aquarium*

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*

*Buys Magic 8 Ball*

*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?

‘I know a black person’

– White people

[interview for waiter position]

Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”

Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”

firemen keep harvesting my cat tree

I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.

[about to invent toaster]

i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread

I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.

STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??

ME: *slowly stands up*

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”

My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—

Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that

two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team

The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.

So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.

I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️

At the disco last night.

They played twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. I jumped.

They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.

I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying