The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
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5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
It do be feeling this way.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”