The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
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Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.