Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.

my nickname in college

Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.

{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}

me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT

If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.

him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones

me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes

Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?

Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance

Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.

wife: what time is it

me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch

waiter: say when

dracula: ven

other waiter: haha say it again

I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult

kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf

Cop: Are you high?

Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so

Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma

Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!

“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*

Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?

Clerk: Trapper Keeper?

Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.

The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it

It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.

A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.