The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
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Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why