Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*forces square peg into round hole

Round hole: wrong hole.

My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.

Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.

I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?

That’s kind of worrying.

Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.

Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?

Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.

Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

*adds resume embellisher to resume*

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation

9yo: Who took my hair tie?

Me: I didn’t.

9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)