The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
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Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Don’t snitch tag.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.