Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?

Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.

Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that

Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me

Riddler: what’s your secret identity

Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot

Riddler:

Batman: you absolute fool

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.

Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing

Also me: runs into everybody I know

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.

Guess that’s the cost of inflation.

*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*

Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.

Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis

date: i want a good listener

superman: 🙂

date: who can see inner beauty

superman: 🙂

date: and looks good in glasses

clark kent: 🙂

date: wait what the hell

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing

emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.

Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.

It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u

If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.

This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.

I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter

[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right

Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.